Let's be honest, folks.
First and foremost, every time I log into dA, a cake should be hand-delivered to my door, perhaps one like one of these.
The more colorful and whimsical the cake, the better.
Next, every time I submit a deviation, I should get a complimentary fireworks show that can be seen perfectly from my window, so that all I need to do is look away from my screen in order to see the fireworks.
And it should be an elaborate fireworks display, I don't want any slacking on the organization.
When I leave comments on a work, coins should start appearing on my desk. Depending on the quality and thoughtfulness of the comment, I should get more or less coins, ranging anywhere from a penny to enough money to pay for my school fees.
Any sort of coin will do, so long as I can exchange it for usable currency later. And while this may be pushing my luck, I do think that paper money would be appropriate every time I leave a good critique.
Sometimes people on this site sincerely anger me, and I would like nothing more than to be able to hit them. So I kindly request that dA installs a program that allows me to press a button that will trigger a mechanism that will punch the offending commenter across the face.
...okay, maybe that one was a bit drastic. Nonetheless, I think it ought to be developed and certain users ought to have privileges to use it once or twice per year. That seems like fair compromise.
Finally (and most importantly), I demand that every time I am about to leave dA for the night/morning/afternoon, the site must show me something exceptionally cheerful or adorable so that I leave happy. Something like puppies.
Or monkeys. Lots of monkeys.
What. I like monkeys.
That's all that comes to mind for me, so I kindly request that you drop everything you're currently doing to take care of my problems, staff. My complaints are organized and posted in a news article with images, so I very clearly deserve priority.
Hope you all enjoyed the features!