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Let's be honest, folks.

Things are not going my way, so there is something very wrong with dA right now. To help solve this, I've devised a small list of things that could be done to make my time here more enjoyable. Your list may vary from mine, but I figure that I'll go over the things that I feel need to be the center of dA's attention until I am personally satisfied.

:icondivaplz:


First and foremost, every time I log into dA, a cake should be hand-delivered to my door, perhaps one like one of these.
Grooms Cake by Digitalflattery Whimsical Wedding Cake by pinkcakebox Mamegoma Cake by Kralle-K Topsy Turvey Birthday Cake by pinkcakebox

The more colorful and whimsical the cake, the better.



Next, every time I submit a deviation, I should get a complimentary fireworks show that can be seen perfectly from my window, so that all I need to do is look away from my screen in order to see the fireworks.
Fireworks by chalee-80 :thumb64728819: Raining Fireworks by couleur Fireworks IV by davidsant

And it should be an elaborate fireworks display, I don't want any slacking on the organization.



When I leave comments on a work, coins should start appearing on my desk. Depending on the quality and thoughtfulness of the comment, I should get more or less coins, ranging anywhere from a penny to enough money to pay for my school fees.
Antique Coins by the-sashimi-frog Coins by kilroyart Coins by lubroz Coins by djreko

Any sort of coin will do, so long as I can exchange it for usable currency later. And while this may be pushing my luck, I do think that paper money would be appropriate every time I leave a good critique.
:thumb28774570: The Money Stamp by Busiris




Sometimes people on this site sincerely anger me, and I would like nothing more than to be able to hit them. So I kindly request that dA installs a program that allows me to press a button that will trigger a mechanism that will punch the offending commenter across the face.
Punch The Netspeaker by Abfc Sagat by Matelandia

...okay, maybe that one was a bit drastic. Nonetheless, I think it ought to be developed and certain users ought to have privileges to use it once or twice per year. That seems like fair compromise. :flirty:



Finally (and most importantly), I demand that every time I am about to leave dA for the night/morning/afternoon, the site must show me something exceptionally cheerful or adorable so that I leave happy. Something like puppies.
puppies by kaleesue PUPPIES by Bandveteran2008 puppies by xaveME

Or kittens.
Kittens by maddis Kittens by LordRimoah kittens by agnomination

...or dinosaurs.
Dinosaur Demon by nJoo Dinosaur Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Dinosaur at the dentist by anatomista


Or monkeys. Lots of monkeys.
Monkey King by EastMonkey A Sense of Wonder by sarrobi Monkey Lord by SARYTH :thumb88090618: Monkey KIZING Sun WuKong by scrotumnose


What. I like monkeys. :paranoid:




That's all that comes to mind for me, so I kindly request that you drop everything you're currently doing to take care of my problems, staff. My complaints are organized and posted in a news article with images, so I very clearly deserve priority.

Hope you all enjoyed the features! :giggle:
wreckling

Add a Comment:
 
:iconcustardandpie:
CustardAndPie Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You know, if dA delivered me cake every time I logged in, I'd be logging out a LOT more often! XDDDDDD
Reply
:iconsevslover6195:
Sevslover6195 Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is awesome!
Reply
:iconemberguard:
Emberguard Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013   General Artist
:rofl: That just made my day :D
Reply
:iconwritingobsessed:
WritingObsessed Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
hahah this is hilarious. and yes, i totally agree. :D
Reply
:iconmaxnort:
maxnort Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2012   Writer
I'm really more of a writer, but let's see...

***

there, cake. (I'm not trying to be mean, nor proud; but sincere. you want a cake, I don't mind making one. Yow want recognition, I don't mind offering it; but I try to write because I know I can't draw)
deviantART muro drawing Comment Drawing
Reply
:iconkayleero:
kayleero Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2012  Student General Artist
This is the best feature ever!!!! I wish these were real!
Reply
:iconeuxiom:
Euxiom Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2012
I do not care if it is not 2012.

I love you for this article. :la: I do not even care if you fling poo at people.
Reply
:iconwreckling:
wreckling Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012   Writer
Cheers! :lol:
Reply
:iconmap-hopping:
map-hopping Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2011
Hilarious!
Reply
:iconyondercat:
Yondercat Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2011
old news but that's okay.

Know what I want? Money, a job, and a car. Never owned a car in my life and I'm 26. My sister and I share one. I've only had one full time job in my whole life and that was back in 2004 I believe? The rest have always been part time jobs. I need a full time job that can help me get enough money to buy a car. After that, I'll go from there.
Reply
:iconnotepadgirl:
notepadgirl Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2011
This is why DA is going downhill. Just wait, you'll get your cake, and virtual fireworks, and "like buttons" and you'll play farmville here while all the problems in this site are ignored because "haters gonna hate".

I honestly fear for v8.
Reply
:iconwreckling:
wreckling Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2011   Writer
You're a) late to the party and b) taking this article much too seriously. :B
Reply
:iconnotepadgirl:
notepadgirl Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2011
I'm taking this article for what it is: I joke. Whether I like or not said joke is up to me, I did not misinterpret it in any way.

Sorry for commenting on an old article. If it has the option to comment, I'll say what I want to say.
Reply
:iconwreckling:
wreckling Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2011   Writer
Hey, no sweat off my back. Have a nice rest of your day. :ahoy:
Reply
:icongeralin:
geralin Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2011  Hobbyist
You just made my day.^^
Heh, so funny XD
Reply
:iconalexandrasalas:
alexandrasalas Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
Man, wouldn't the punch button come in handy. :D
Reply
:icontenchibaka:
tenchibaka Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2011
<< i'd prolly get the punch button twice as much as i would use it^^:
Reply
:iconwreckling:
wreckling Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011   Writer
I'm sure I'd get hit a few times myself. I'm sure I'd deserve it too, though. :D
Reply
:icontenchibaka:
tenchibaka Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2011
dude, you and me both^^
Reply
:iconkneelingglory:
KneelingGlory Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2011
Now there's a fine article to read on my first day back. :lmao:
Reply
:iconwreckling:
wreckling Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011   Writer
Welcome back! :D
Reply
:iconrockstarvanity:
RockstarVanity Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2011   Photographer
I demand dA to deliver coffee to me every morning through my computer. Then I will be happy.
Reply
:iconwreckling:
wreckling Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011   Writer
I like where this is going... :plotting:
Reply
:iconboschista:
boschista Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2011
Very original. :huggle: :highfive: :handshake:
Reply
:iconalecwolfe:
AlecWolfe Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2011
:giggle: Awesomeness ideas.
Reply
:iconsnowys-stock:
Snowys-stock Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011
its such a unquie way and fun way to feature you did an amazing job! :clap:
Reply
:iconxxfirefoxgirlxx:
xXFireFoxGirlXx Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Student Digital Artist
ALL I WANT IS A :iconfblikeplz: BUTTON. ;-;
Reply
:iconniallcloud:
NiallCloud Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Hahhahaha this made me laugh real good! Now, staff, what are you waiting for? Go to it! =D Haha
Reply
:icono0prettyodd0o:
o0prettyodd0o Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Student General Artist
Most definitely! :iconimhappyplz:
Reply
:iconpink-ego:
Pink-Ego Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
If we're saying "aye" to approve this message, then

AYE x 10^∞

I demand moneydollars.
Reply
:iconzekkentak:
Zekkentak Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Student General Artist
Yes, yes it does. C:

Now where do I report to about the situation..? :noes:
Reply
:iconjessaminediane:
JessamineDiane Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist

deviantART muro drawingComment Drawing
Reply
:iconvest:
vest Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011
I demand =lightningmonkey be given his senior tick, right friggin' now. :iconexcitedkirbyplz:
Reply
:iconflower3245:
flower3245 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Student Writer
Lmao, Monkeys are awesome!
Reply
:icontatooine92:
Tatooine92 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Student Writer
I concur. Money for every comment! I wouldn't be as inclined to fave and run then, would I? HAHA!

Come, now, dA, get to it! Chop chop! :icondivaplz: (<-- new favorite emote, btw.)
Reply
:iconscorpion451:
Scorpion451 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011   Artist
I will volunteer to beta test the "punch moron" button.
No matter how many times I have to push it.
Its for the greater good.

Also, I second the fireworks thing and coins for comments. And fees are extracted if you fave without commenting.
Reply
:icondeirdrereynolds:
DeirdreReynolds Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I like monkeys too!
Reply
:iconx-neon-98-x:
X-NEON-98-X Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
XD very well thought up wish list i see here :P
Reply
:iconkittyyoungster:
KittyYoungster Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011
I want cake.

And kittehs.

CB
Reply
:iconmatworldsheaven:
MatworldsHeaven Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
LOL XD I want a firework , too! XD
Reply
:iconheyriel:
Heyriel Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Student Digital Artist
lawl
Getting money through commenting really should be implemented xDDD
Great feature!
Reply
:iconphoenixleo:
phoenixleo Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011
=P
Reply
:iconthegreenestrose:
TheGreenestRose Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
I don't want just monkeys though when I begin to exit out of DeviantART. No, I want monkeys and penguins. Together. In the same image. Preferably eating tacos or food of the same quality.

This should clearly be their biggest priority - above even the punching mechanism.
Reply
:iconwyldhoney:
wyldhoney Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Penguins rule. Gotta have penguins! :nod:
Reply
:iconthegreenestrose:
TheGreenestRose Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Exactly. I can't believe penguins were left out! xD
Reply
:iconfreakiegeekie:
FreakieGeekie Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I demand cake and MONKEYS! :icontantrumplz:
Reply
:icondarkshinsooofcygnus:
DarkShinsooOfCygnus Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
:iconlegaspplz:

Kittehs! ..and cakes :nod:
Reply
:icondo-you-remember-me:
Do-You-Remember-Me Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Methinks dA should just make itself more hands-on. Like, if you push this button, a real live llama will be given to the recipient. (That'd soon stop the 'GIMME A LLAMA OR I'LL REPORT YOU!!!' thing that people do... ^^;)
Or maybe, when someone gives you a cake badge, you should get - as you said for just logging on - a cake.

When you log on, you should get points. To show that they care.
When you comment when you :+fav:, the same should happen.
If you forget to comment when you :+fav:, you get points taken away.


Or we could just stick with something more simple like you suggested ;P


(P.S: please excuse my crappy little drawing, I have just discovered how you use Muro {I know, I know...} and am quite excited... :shrug:)
deviantART muro drawingComment Drawing
Reply
:iconsadisticicecream:
SadisticIceCream Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2011   Writer
Yeah, I love you. :lol:
Reply
:iconartsyjenniflower:
ArtsyJenniflower Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I want a monkey!!! Totally agree with you :la:
Reply
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January 20, 2011
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